Perfection

I used to think that perfection did not exist. As a musician, I am well acquainted with the frustration of not being able to play a piece perfectly all the time. As a student, I was very familiar with the feeling that comes from working your butt off on a project or test only to get a less than perfect grade. And as a human, I was VERY aware of my lack of perfection in my relationships and just about everything else. And so....for 24 years, I thought that perfection did not exist. But then, I found out that I was wrong. I found out that there is such a thing as perfection.
Perfection came into my life in the form of an absolutely beautiful young lady from Miami. And she helped me realize that my definition of perfection had been wrong. Perfection comes in many shapes and forms...and she fits pretty much all of them. She is a perfect friend, a perfect musician, and a perfect partner. Most importantly, she is perfect for me. She challenges me every minute of every day to be a better person and to be a better Christian. She is never judgmental, but she has the perfect way of asking questions that show me so many ways that I need to improve myself. I am so incredibly thankful that God brought her into my life and opened the doors for us to be together.
So yes, I admit I was wrong. Perfection does exist. It may not look like you expect...and it may not fit your definition of perfect, but it's out there. And when you find it, it will make you wish that you had never stopped looking for it in the first place.

Where now...

Ever have one of those days where you are constantly frustrated about...well...pretty much everything? Yep...that's been my week. Back in my live-at-home days, I used to laugh at people who "moved out in faith" and then couldn't find a job. I used to find it so hilarious that they got stressed about finances when obviously it was because they just hadn't planned ahead. But here I sit...in a beautiful two-story house...with no job...no prospects...no church family...and a rapidly dwindling bank account. Suddenly, the humor that I used to find in this kind of situation is gone. Replacing it is a growing feeling of dread and fear about what is going to come next. I can't move back home...I'm 24 and have been ready to be on my own for at least 5 years. There is no way I can move back in with my family and maintain my sanity. I could move back south to some job offers there, but that really is not attractive. The pay is great...the people are ok...but everyone and everything I love and need to have close is here. So what do I do? I've applied at pretty much every place around here short of fast food restaurants. Some places just haven't replied...others have made "promises" and then disappeared...others have just been noncommittal. On all the application questionnaires, I've been asked at least once if I often lose my temper. I always want to write, "No...but if you don't hire me I might!" I find myself praying more and more often: "Lord, you opened the doors for me to come here; please don't close them already. I've been here for just one week, don't shut me down so fast. I love this town, I love the people I'm around...just let me stay." But at the same time, I know that if that door does close, I'll have to go. I spent enough years fighting His will. I can't do that anymore.

There comes a time...

"There comes a point in your life where you have to stop fooling yourself that your life is going to be the way you want it to be...and start seeing things for the way they really are."

I have reached that point...and I don't like it. I don't like the feeling of knowing that most of your dreams are never going to be realized. The past couple years, I thought that it was my physical condition that was going to keep me from realizing my dreams...but now I see how wrong I was. I realize that the choices I made all combined to build a seemingly insurmountable wall between me and my dreams. So now...it's time...to stop fooling myself...and start seeing things for the way they really are and are always going to be.

acta est fabula plaudite

If We Are the Body....

Do Bible college students realize how hard they make it for "normal" Christians to be a witness in their community? I used to be a Bible college student...and I was as bad as anyone else probably; but, it shocks me how ignorant and blatant many (if not all) Bible college students are. As a theatre professional, I spend almost every waking moment working and hanging out with gays, druggies, and basically those that many Christians consider the scum of the earth. I also work and hang out with some of the most passionate, caring, talented, and hard-working people on the earth. Whatever happened to showing God's love to EVERYONE?? And not only do so many act like these people are somehow beneath them and weird, they also make fun of them. I am so sick and tired of people, who don't understand gays or addicts or any other "different" person, making fun of them. Since when is it funny to act gay just to make a gay person look or feel stupid? When I was in Bible college, I was as guilty of this as the next person...but now that work and know so many of them, I realize what a jerk I was. God loves these people too. When an employee comes to work stoned out of his mind, it never crosses my mind to make fun of him. God loves him just as much as He loves me! Unfortunately, your average Bible college student doesn't understand this concept at all it seems. I spend more time at work defending the actions, FB posts, and jokes of my Bible college "friends" than I do actually getting to share the gospel. Too many times, I will bring up Jesus or Christianity only to have them shoot me down with something along the lines of "I've met people from your college...I'm not interested." Or (even more common) "From the way your people talk, I don't think Jesus is interested in me." Sometimes, I just want to shake some Christians and make them see what they are doing to the name of God...
If you are going to talk about gays or addicts or what you consider "weird" people, you should take a week and spend it in the theatre with me...you'll see that these people often times put Christians to shame with their work ethic, their love for people, and their passion for sharing what excites them.
When did my church sign become too good to accept a theatre marquee? When did my steeple become too holy to overshadow a dying world? When did my pew become too clean to hold a drug addict? When did my love become too pure to encompass a gay or lesbian? When did my God become too small to save the lost?

Late Nights

Uh-oh...it's one of those all-to-common nights where I am working all night long. I'm sitting at my computer right now just waiting for the rest of the theatre staff to go home so that I can begin the long process of setting lights for tomorrow night's show. Unfortunately, I also am judging a music competition starting at 8 o'clock tomorrow morning, so I have to have the whole show prepared by 7 o'clock....hence the all nighter. :( All nighters also tend to get me thinking....tonight I am thinking, where am I going?
In just under three months, I will be making one of the biggest changes of my life up to this point. I will be moving 24 hours away from my family and settling down in a city where I do not have a job and know exactly 3 people! Sure, I have great references...but who can guarantee I'll find a job. What was I thinking?? I currently have a wonderful job that I LOVE and pays great....why am I giving that up to go someplace where I may not find a job. My boss likes to bring that up every once in a while too... As I keep assuring myself, if I wasn't supposed to go, the Lord would have said "No." But what if He just didn't....what if this is the biggest mistake of my life? What if I get out there and I'm miserable? What if life doesn't turn out the way that I plan? God, is this You....or am I just screwing up again?

Told ya....all-nighters are dangerous for me....

Next to Normal

This past weekend, I had the privilege of being involved in an absolutely fabulous production at The Lyric Theatre called "Next to Normal." Although a Broadway musical, it wasn't your typical shallow, make people feel good show. This was a deeply probing show about the effects of mental illness on families. After four performances, I still couldn't get through it without crying. The way in which all the characters in the show misunderstood the anguish the main character was going through was like looking at most of the people I knew in my life before I found my true passion.
For so many people (myself included), life is much more pain than pleasure. The pain of true love lost; the pain of crushed dreams; the pain of unachieved goals; the pain of broken trust; and the list could go on and on...
The lyrics of one of the songs in the show described me better than I could ever hope to be able to....

When the world that once had color fades to white and gray and black.
When tomorrow terrifies you, but you'll die if you look back.
You don't know.
I know you don't know.
You say that you're hurting, it sure doesn't show.
You don't know.
You tell me let go.
And you may say so, but I say you don't know.

The sensation that you're screaming, but you never make a sound.
Or the feeling that you're falling, but you never hit the ground.
It just keeps on rushing at you day by day by day by day.
You don't know, you don't know what it's like to live that way.
Like a refugee, a fugitive, forever on the run.
If it gets me it will kill me, but I don't know what I've done.

But at the same time as all of these feelings, the truth remains that (as the show concludes) there will always be a place where light exists.....

An Era of Change

2012-2013 has been a crazy whirlwind of change! I started 2012 planning on graduating from college in May, take a job at the church I was attending, and go on my merry way through life. Boy does God sometimes surprise you! I sometimes wonder what God was saying to Himself up in Heaven as He heard me repeatedly telling my plans to my friends and family. I wonder if He chuckled cause He knew He had so much more for me up His sleeve. Things started changing in March/April when I realized I wasn't going to get the job at my church that I had planned on. Silly me...instead of trusting God to have something better for me, I panicked and took the first job I found...doing something that I hate, but at least making a paycheck. I contracted myself to a job through May 2013...at which point I can almost see God groaning and shaking His head at such a foolish child. You'd think after five years of being a Christian, I'd be a WHOLE lot better at this trusting and depending thing....
Well, over the course of the next eight months, I ended up working one full-time job and between 3-4 part time jobs. I was starting to think this was how my life was gonna look when God pulled something else out of His sleeve. I got offered a job in Oklahoma. Oklahoma?? I've only lived in Florida and Taiwan...I can't live in another state! But...working on the trusting thing...I took a weekend trip out there to look it over. Within a couple weeks of the visit, I was pretty sure that this was where God wanted me. I made up my mind...and the next day got a phone call from one of my best friends offering me a job that I had wanted for 7 years!! I couldn't believe it!!! Not only was it a job that I had dreamed about having, but it paid SUPER well! So once again, I had no clue what to do....I was working an awesome theatre job that was giving me an awesome reputation, I was making good money teaching, I was involved in an internet radio ministry that was touching thousands of lives, I was getting calls every couple days with job offers from people high up in the theater industry, AND now I was getting offered my dream job! I told God that He had to help me...I couldn't make this decision on my own. Boy did He step in... Literally, within two days of asking God for help, everything started to fall apart. I got fired from my awesome theatre job, the radio ministry started down a path that I wasn't interested in going, and the job offers quit coming in. The only thing left was my dream job.... After ALOT of prayer, I felt like I needed to get to a place where I could be involved in ministry that was more my style (techie production stuff). Where I live has no place that I could do that. So, I took the offer to move to Oklahoma!
I am scared to DEATH! But at the same time, I am SOOOOOOO excited about God's leadership in my life and the doors He is leading me through. Leaving The Lyric Theatre (my dream job) will be one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever done in my life...but I know that it will be totally worth it since I am following God.
But now...if He doesn't mind...I would be totally fine with Him slowing down this whole changing thing until I catch my breath.... =D